Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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