i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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