Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
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I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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