I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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