Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
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no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize