you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize