You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize