Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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