Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
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You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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