When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
