dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
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god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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