it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
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so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
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Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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