i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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