That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
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yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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