I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
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At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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