I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
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Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
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You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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