Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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