Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Boobs speak an international language.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize