Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
