I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
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Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The ass gains better be worth it
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