Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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