And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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