I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize