and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize