when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
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When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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