I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
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he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
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I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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