im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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