i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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