Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
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Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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