I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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