So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
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Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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