She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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