i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
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i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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