Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize