8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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