I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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