I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
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Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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