Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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