i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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