Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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