yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
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Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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