Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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