apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
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Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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