I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just send me my own nude
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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