you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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