Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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