a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize