is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
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I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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