You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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