I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Terrible idea I love it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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